Dying Hope and Unrelenting Stupidity

I have realized something about myself in the last couple of hours. I am so self-centered and if I feel as though someone can intrude or is not co-existing with me harmoniously and I cannot easily get rid of them, I become of very argry and vengeful person. I want nothing more than to see them suffer and be unhappy and hopeless. I feel like I am being a more wiser adult because I can admit this flaw to myself and others.
Being a cancer I can admit that I don't always think rationally and let my emotions run my life and my decisions. I had to learn to balance being rational and emotional especially in relationships. I applaud myself for this (Yes, I toot my own horn and I do it quite frequently when I feel the need to) I feel like most people cannot isolate the angry side of themselves when they get hurt. I know I can't always do it. I have to seek revenge in the utmost way. I have the emotionally and mentally hurt u in order to make myself feel like I have gotten u back for what u have done to me.
Right now as much as I don't want to admit it there is someone who is not directly in my life where let this have been me about 2 years ago or maybe even 3 would have done whatever I could to make sure they suffered in every way possible because they haven't been able to go away like I want them to. This afternoon that thought came into my mind for a second because I learned they have been taking silent shots at me. That is a crime u just don't do in my book. U are asking for me to get ugly when u do. I just honestly think this person underestimates because they really don't know me. They look at my physical and think she's nothing. Hate to tell u but I am CRAZY!! I could even b a psychopath given the right motive. But I am not going to react this way about this person. I actually prayed to God and asked him to take the anger and hate that I have a way so that my son does not suffer. I am trying to REALLY be a child of God. I may not ever like this person but I will learn to deal with their stupidity and hope for the sake of my son. He is more important to me than they will. I hope that when they see my son they look at this beautiful child and that hope they have dies a little more every time!

Thankful for Pregnancy Issues

So I have come to realize that pregnancy is so different from person to person. Then the books that you read are mostly about all the positive or semi minor things that you can experience. I would never ever take back going through all this for my son because even though he is not here yet he has showed me that he is the strongest and has to most will power I have ever seen in a child aside from my little sister. He has proved to everyone that he is meant to be here and he is not coming until he feels the need to leave and come out. The doctors are astonished that we have made it this fair with no other najor complications expect for the ones that my body had caused.
What really made me write about this is because I have been in the hospital for over a month and I have seen people come and go (via my nurses) because I can't really get out the bed and roam around. But a girl down the hall from me who was only 5 months pregnant and she lost her baby. It made me so thankful that God has brought me and my son this far and that he has allowed my body has to actually maintain this pregnancy. Me being pregnant has revitalized my faith in God even though I dont have a church home and I dont practiced my baptized religion God has become my best friend because he has made sure that me and my son are safe and healthy.

Reality Escape

So I have always been a person to have a very vivid imagination from the time I was little and I hope that my son is blessed with that too. I think it has allowed me to be able to dream and cope a little better when things have gotten rough. My imagination has always been at it best when I was reading or watching a movie that tested the limits of reality in some way or another.

Today I found myself right back in the place in my mind where I wish what it would be like to be someone or something else. Not for fear of the reality of my own life but as an escape from my reality, a peaceful outlet. As weird as it seemed reading eclipse has made me want to become a werewolve. Being able to be connected yet apart from the world outside, having the freedom to roam and run to you can't run anymore. Being a protector of the ones you l0ve with out really interfering in their lives, a quiet guardian. Right now that's what I wish I could do for someone.

I wish I could be their protector and give theme evrything they need to make the happy right now, make everyone that is bothering or complicating their life fearful that there is just something protecting them to the point where they would risk life and limb to make sure they survive. i would be their warmth n a place for them to rest their head as comfortable a body pillow or warm blanket. Knowing that I cannot do that especially from my hospital make me feel human and helpless and I don't enjoy this feeling. I would give anything for my imagination to actually run wild and come alive at these times in my life. But I have to except the fact that its just my unconscious, a simple escape for a momentary second from the real grown up world, where your imagination, wishing, and dreaming sometimes become obsolete and useless.

I can only dream!!